“Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness.”
I John 2:9

In addition to the rebuilding going on in each of our lives, we are in the midst of all sorts of building renovation projects at Shiloh. Brother Wesley is new on staff, and he supervises our afternoon work projects. He has an eye for detail and he is drawing excellence out of me. I am learning how to paint more efficiently, apply trim pieces, and lay carpet. Before coming here, I always worked with computers. I never painted, or did any type of building renovations. I am receiving revelation about this being God’s house and I enjoy beautifying what belongs to God. The staff is very excited about a little old 100 year old farmhouse the Lord recently provided to Shiloh about a half mile from here, a major fixer upper with “miraculous potential” that we are going to be working on to make a place for Brother Wesley and Brother Jason to stay in. For now, they are living in closet tight spaces off the Shiloh dormitory and are working with Shiloh students practically 24/7. We have prayed for the Lord’s provision for additional housing for these good men, and now we are rejoicing to witness God’s miraculous provision. The house needs lots of work in order to transform it, but Shiloh will no doubt use the renovation project as a teaching time for the men sojourning here.

Part of our classroom curriculum at Shiloh is assigned reading projects followed by an oral book synopsis. This is my tenth month into Shiloh and I have worked through many book assignments. This practice is a new discipline that is good for me. The study and preparation for classes stretches my time management skills because our schedule is so full, but I glean something from every book. My Book assignment this month is The Bait of Satan by John Bevere. This book is opening up a new can of worms in my thinking, and I am challenged with some issues that I have harbored in my heart for years. I thought after being here at Shiloh for almost ten months that I had grown and was doing quite well. I did not realize how much junk that I still had buried in my soul.

I have one sibling, a brother named Rob, who is two years older than I am. We had a serious confrontation several years ago and I never healed from it. The Lord is revealing to me the offense that is rooted deep inside of me. As God has been restoring my relationships with my wife and children during the time I have been at Shiloh, I believe He desires that the relationship with my brother be restored as well. This one is very painful though. It hurts so badly, I really would rather not deal with it. Every time I think about Rob, I feel hurt and anger rise up. My memories are only of his demeaning and belittling me. My mind sees Rob as always being critical, obnoxious, and sarcastic towards me. Even though I am no dummy, Rob always impressed on me that he was superior to me in every way, and he was God’s gift to society with his brilliant talents and intellect. When I began drinking and using drugs, he derided me all the more. Finally, he severed all contact with me and my family. I could possibly understand his disgust with me, but why did he have to hurt family. They do not deserve his disdain. I know I deserve consequences because of my foolish behavior. I make no excuse. However, even before I began such foolish acts, I felt he always looked down on me.

Nevertheless, I am sensing the Holy Spirit imploring me that I must forgive Rob if I want to move forward in my walk with God. Our forgiveness of others is a signal of our awareness of how much God has given us. How can we approach a God of mercy if we ourselves are full of bitterness and anger? “If you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14-15. As I am working on this issue, in one of our recent classes, we were told to consider a quote by Booker T. Washington, “I will not permit any man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him”. I am learning to spot the pattern now. The Holy Spirit begins working on me, then the Word hits me, and the same message starts coming at me from all angles. This quote from a Booker T. Washington slapped me like a stinger missile. I have been permitting Rob to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him. Knowing the Word, I am responsible. For the last several months I have been asking God where He wants me to serve Him. I desperately want to follow Him. I realize I must surrender my hurt feelings toward Rob to God as well, or it will not matter that I relinquish anything else to go where He wants. This walk with Christ is a full package deal. I may not choose and pick parts and pieces I will surrender. No sooner than I become aware of a stronghold in my life and fight through the surrender of it, the Holy Spirit begins to reveal the next barrier, and I begin the process all over again. It must be all, or it may as well be none. I have heard it said many times at Shiloh, “We are not a half way house, but an all the way house. It is all or nothing.” “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, all your strength” Matthew 22:37. How can I hold on to unforgiveness, when He has been so good and forgiving to me? This book has brought things up that I had no intention of ever dealing with. I know by the Spirit of God that forgiveness is a choice, but not an option. Once I receive revelation, I am accountable. “Oh God, help me to discipline this flesh and surrender. This is a huge test for me. Help me Lord. Help me to forgive Rob and love him Lord as I should. Father God, help me to see him through your eyes and even if he never ever accepts me, help me to accept him and clear up my own heart, I pray in Jesus Name. Thank you Lord for caring so much about me that You, Almighty God would not allow this to go unchecked and You brought it up before I go back to Oregon.”

Shiloh Ministry Team.